Melancholia – It Tastes like Ashes

So I went to this movie the other night to expand my mind. I was at the shop when this lil hottie boom-bottie shows up and peruses our used dvd and vhs section. She’s looking for movies from some guy called Lars von Trier and all we had was a flick called Antichrist. I’ve never seen the film but I can totally get down with a girl who likes her some demonic horror movies. The Exorcist is one of my favorite go-to halloween jams. So this cutie is going on and on about Melancholia, this new movie by Von Trier, and how this planet is about to hit the earth and how Kirsten Dunst is in her birthday suit showing off her “classical form”. So I’m sold and this girl says she wants to go out and see this movie AND pay for my ticket. And I get some Armageddon destructo shit with Kirsten “Mary Jane” Dunst’s tig-ole-bitties to top it off. Score!!!
Yeah, Not so much. A character in the film said, “With science and an event of this magnitude, you have to account for a margin of error”. I’m pretty sure my boner clouded my vision, but there we’re no Armageddon sized extinction level events or Bruce Willis yelling “Yippie Kay Ah Motherfucker” or anything. Just Dunst’s pair of puppies and Jack Bauer not acting like Jack Bauer and opting out. I obviously don’t know Jack cause my Jack would have snapped that planets neck and pee’d down its throat. A handful of Xanax and Eszopiclone a party makes, but the movie was putting me to sleep before I could remember where my edibles where. I get it. When the end is rocketing toward us at 60 thousand miles an hour and everyones bio-chemistry is out of whack turning them into a mood-swingy fucktard, my last moments won’t be listening to Beethoven’s 9th sipping wine or strumming Kumbaya under an impromptu hippy tent. It would be rolling up a phat spliggie followed by a rotund Jeffery and riding out to Tupac till that planet gets close enough for me to power-punch that bitch back to where-ever that overgrown asteroid came from. Yippie-kay-ay Motherfucker!!!

Coltrane Out.

This entry was posted in Movies, The END is NIGH and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Melancholia – It Tastes like Ashes

  1. Francois Dillinger says:

    This is the most unintelligible shit I’ve ever seen on one page! Fuck your blog and your art house student film that’s still in production.

    • jcoltrane says:

      Francios Dillenger? What ever lovin’ god forsaken douche bag calls their child or themselves “Francois”? What worse is that it’s French for “Francis” another pussy name in a pussy language…and by douche bag I meant your mother (although the meaning was already implied). So fuck you. Fuck your Moms. Fuck everything you stand for. Fuck Art House Movies.
      P.S. We’ll try and do better.
      -The Management.

    • jcoltrane says:

      Thank you for Raging against the art house Machine. And the student film is still in production as we speak…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s